2018

Hello world, I'm back. I just realized that I didn't update much in 2017, sorry for that, and hope that there's more update this year. And welcome to the year of 2018.

I just finished my 2nd semester in college last week. Semester 2 is not going as well as Semester 1. I was drown, if I would describe it. First, the assignment team is a shit, my friends did literally nothing at all, and I didn't perform my best. I became a procrastinator. I didn't worked hard in my study. I done badly in my mid-term test. Secondly, Bae's engagement news, that was alright but it came together with Jonghyun's death news, suicide because of depression. Thirdly, CCV's charity project, Games Carnival, I was the Assistant Project Manager, it stressed me out. Fourthly, depression probably. Fifthly, dance confidence problems.

The whole thing just got me like I thought I'll never feel alive again. The news of Bae and Jonghyun came before the Games Carnival, I was shocked, happy and sad the same time, but couldn't really do anything. But right after the Games Carnival, all the feeling hit me at once. All the feeling I had concealed for 10 weeks. I talked with WX, she had the same thoughts, I thought maybe both of us have the same problems. I grieved for days. Those days, I grief so hard, so hard it hurts every freaking time. Every time I read the news, listened to his songs, even though I'm not a fan of his. But it hits hard, because I understand what it feels like to be depressed. I remembered crying every night in my sleep. There were weeks I couldn't eat, I feel like puking every time I forced myself to eat. And all I can consume is Milo. I thought I was hard on myself, but it turns out that I didn't have expectation on myself. That feeling when you are finding a way to kill yourself but the same time you don't want to, that hurts more.

Nearing to final exam, I was constantly not in mood for study. I blamed myself but there's nothing I could do. I'm very negative this time. I was really mad at myself even in the exam hall. Although I want a CGPA4.0 very much, I'm not confident that it will happened this time. I never thought I would be so mad at myself for academic matters. And that's how the semester 2 passed by, nothing good. The only good thing happened was to attend TAEYANG WHITE NIGHT Tour in KL.

I wished that everything in 2018 will be better. Hope that 2018 is the year of healing. And wishing everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR.